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Hello Charlotte: Heaven's Gate/Diary
— 1 — *One day, a mother of a young family brought home a doll. *She did so out of necessity rather than on a whim, or out of strong desire. *It wasn't the kind of doll you'd normally see on the shelves of a large supermarket. *It wasn't a particularly beautiful model, being pudgier and noisier than her peers. *Her insides were made out of slime that always seemed to ooze out of her nose and mouth. *But the mother seemed to be content with those usightly defects. *The doll was supposed to melt into a sticky, dripping wet foul-smelling glue that would keep the mother's marriage from falling apart after all. *The father didn't want to keep the item. *But to his disappointment, the shop didn't accept any returns. *The doll became a fitting addition to the house's interior, for she fit perfectly among the counterfeit porcelain tea sets and useless trinkets stuffed onto the shelves. *Pictures reflecting her snotty face filled up the family albums — a thousand fabricated certificates of a model family life. *One day, the glue went dry, and the family fell apart. *As the porcelain plates hit the walls and the trinkets fell from the shelves, the doll remained still. *The slime inside of her turned into water, and flooded the room. *The woman who bought it left the house, leaving all her former possessions behind. *A new owner soon came, and Henry was born. — 2 — *I never felt like others treated me like a human being. *Rather, I was an object, a commodity in a human disguise. *To my family, I was akin to a not particularly expensive piece of furniture that they kept around despite having bought a replacement. *To my classmates, I was a wind-up doll they could push around by provoking it, laughing at how clumsy it was. *Due to almost too-cliche parental neglect, I was never taught proper hygiene, *so my peers made sure to laugh at the way i smelled after forgetting to shower for weeks, and the way dirt gathered under my fingernails. *They hid my clothes after P.E. and called me names, but it didn't matter. *I didn't matter. — 3 — *As soon as puberty hit, I became even more convinced that I was nothing more than an object. *Maybe it's because I used to eat too much, or maybe due to genetics, I grew to be more well-endowed than other girls my age. *Disgusted looks I used to get turned into something more primal and feral. *Lust. *Starved for attention, I wanted to be desired. *"A gift needs pretty wrapping", a realization came. *Under my modest clothes, I wore stockings and garterbelts. *Asked for expensive underwear as a birthday present. *Began paying more attention to my hygiene. *My hair became perfectly combed — not a single strand out of place. *Porcelain skin nurtured by evening masks and face cream. *''Fake.'' *But no longer unwanted. *People I never talked to began asking me out. *Girls swarmed around me, talking about boys, periods and reality shows I couldn't bring myself to care about, but watched anyway. *It was something new — something I didn't know I longed for. — 4 — *My first kiss was with a girl. *It was at a drinking party, and everyone was drunk and horny enough to play sex dice obviously meant for older crowds. *I didn't like her. *But I liked how it felt. *I decided I wanted more. — 5 — *Silky shirts, short skirts, kneesocks. *Fluttering lashes, flawless mascara. *Not a single pimple on my skin. *It didn't matter that I was stuffed with chunks of meat swarming with maggots. *Squirming, wriggling, eating me from the inside. — 6 — *Charles Eyler wasn't a particularly attractive person. *Let aside his above-average looks, something about his attitude gave away that something wasn't "right". *Maybe it was the way he scratched his skin and bit his nails, or the way he stared into empty space, muttering something. *There was no wifi on his flip phone, yet he was constantly taking it out of his pocket in short intervals. *Typing a message to nowhere, setting an alarm clock off and back on. *A fool-proof tactic to ease rising anxiety. *In class, he would often respond to the name of a girl classmate, and everyone would start laughing. *He'd cover his mouth, mortified, realizing that the teacher's question wasn't directed at him. *Stifled mutterings, jerky movements. *Constantly on the edge, anxious and detached — Charles Eyler was far from pleasant. *Yes, I found us to be similar. *It felt like there was something eating him from inside. *Maybe he was stuffed full of maggots, too. — 7 — *We were sitting in an empty classroom. *I was absent-mindedly scrolling down the feed on my phone, Eyler was finishing his homework for the next day. *He did all the assignments during breaks and got excellent marks for it. *I never got why he was in such a rush. *"So, uh, what's your answer? Yes or no?" *Eyler didn't look me in the eye. *Instead, he was looking at a spot between me and the window frame. *"What? Ah. Sorry. What were you talking about?" *"I couldn't hear you well in this noise." *Eyler's voiced echoed throughout the empty, eerily quiet classroom. *Everyone else had gone home a long time ago. *I started to get annoyed. *"Like I was saying." *"Will you date me?" *Seconds passed. Eyler muttering indistinguishable words, still distracted by something. *He was visibly uncomfortable. *"..." *"Okay." *He...what? *'You're...okay with it?" *"I mean, why not? If you want to. Listen, I—" *I need to go home, quick. I'm sorry." *His words made no sense. Eyler grabbed his bag and stormed out of the classroom. *What was that about? — 8 — *Henry used to be a high-achiever in elementary. *By middle school, he'd lost all motivation to study. *Eventually, he stopped leaving his room. *"You need to spend more time with your brother", Father had told me on numerous occasions — each time more insistently, his wife nodding behind his back. *As if this smelly freeloader didn't get enough attention from them already. *So sometimes I sat on the phone in my brother's room, listening to the click-clack sound of Henry's keyboard. *It was always dark in his room. *The air inside was damp, laced with the lingering stench of instant noodles and used tissues littering the floor. *''Blergh.'' *Sometimes Henry got tired of playing, and flopped onto the bed near me. *He was not a talkative kid, so I never got what he was thinking. *Sometimes he would crawl onto me and bury his head in my chest, just laying there, as I blankly stared into space. *In the darkness barely illuminated by LED lights, he told me about his two-dimensional sweethearts. *Like then. *Henry brought out his smartphone and shoved it into my face. *"It's Space Idol Guriri. All of these are from the anniversary pull", he muttered, scrolling down his card collection. *"Mm. How much did you spend on her?" *"Not much." *''Liar.'' *"He-e-e-enry?" *A reluctant pause. *"She's worth it." *I felt tired. *"Hey. Shouldn't you be interested in real girls at your age?" *"No. They're gross." *"Am I gross, too?" *"Kinda." *Henry squeezed closer to me. *Too close for comfort. *I could smell his foul breath. *Henry was extremely bad at maintaining hygiene, just like I had once been. *Maybe it was in our genes. *He must be starved for body contact without realizing it, I thought absent-mindedly. *"Hey, stop it. You're too close. Go ask mom to cuddle you." *Henry didn't listen, and only buried his head deeper into my chest. *He was like a toddler. *"Mom and Dad only buy me things. They don't care about me." *"Believe me, they do." *''Unlike you, I didn't have that luxury.'' *"Say. Why won't you leave your room?" *"It's pointless." *"What is?" *"Everything." *"There's nothing I want to do in life." *"The only times I feel happy are when I play games or sleep." *"But I don't want to die either." *"So I'll just stay here forever." *How pathetic. — 9 — *"Charlie. You need to see a doctor." *I gave Eyler's hand a firm squeeze. He was shaking. *We were sitting on the cold floor in the boys' bathroom. *There were around 15 minutes until the third period ended. *I was trying to ignore the writing on the wall. 'Warhol is a slut.' *Eyler responded with a minute-long delay. *What would they do? Stuff me with pills?" *"At very least. They'll help." *"They didn't help Mother." *"I'm talking about you." *"..." *"Charlie. Please. Stop pretending you're okay." *"If you're not planning on telling me what's wrong, that at the very least try to seek help yourself." *"If I say anything, she'll throw my pet cat out of the window. Or worse." *''She?'' *"...okay. I understand." *I didn't understand at all. *But... *Eyler was shaking. *He was completely terrified. *I'm terrified, too. Of him, and his mind. *"It's not your fault.", is all I could say, unable to find the right words. *Seeking comfort, I squeezed his hand harder. — 10 — *It was the End of the Year party. *There's something about the thrill of blaring music and fleeting conversations that I cannot quite put into words. *There, I was able to forget who I am, and who I cannot be. *...He must've been a guy from the parallel class. Pretty handsome, I had to admit. *"Care for a drink?" he asked me. *"Sure," I replied, and took the plastic cup from his hands. *The room gradually began to tilt. *"Are you okay?" he asked. "I'll take you to rest upstairs." *"There was something in my drink," I belatedly realized, as I was led to the upper floor. *As my consciousness faded, I thought of Eyler. *It was dawning at me that he didn't want to own, to possess, to consume. *He didn't want me. *Didn't want anything I was able to offer. *He wanted something that couldn't be seen, something immaterial and ethereal. *He wanted to be saved. *But I am merely an object. *My head was filled with mocking comments from my classmates. Dice at the party. Constant expectations. Graffiti on the wall. *I was trying so hard. *I was trying my best. *''Yet why was I still not enough?'' *When I came to, I was surrounded by girls, concerned yet relieved looks on their faces. *I wanted to go home. — 11 — *I woke up one day to heated debates in the kitchen. *It was probably about Henry. *Nothing ever changed. *I snuck into his room, trying not to make a sound. *He was curled up into a ball under the desk, shaking, muttering something. *"Henry, it's me. Come out. Stop hiding." *"Leave me alone!" *"What happened?" *"They want to fix me. Send me to therapy." *"And?" *"I don't want to be fixed." *''Give me a break.'' *''Just look at how much they cared about you.'' *''About your useless, stinky, perverted—'' *I had to calm down. *"Then, what do you want?" *"To be with Guriri." *"Guriri is not a person." *"I don't give a shit." *"Hey, language." *"You're just don't want to make any effort to gain positive emotions in real life." *Henry got quiet for a moment. *"I'm tired," was his only answer. *I'm tired, too. — 12 — *Charles Eyler started taking pills. *No more jerky movements. *No more staring into space. *There was a permanent smile plastered on his face. *He seemed...alarmingly normal. *We went out for food and movies. *Made sure to instagram all the food we ate and the places we visited. *It would surely become to proof of our normalcy. *I talked about myself, and Eyler actually heard me instead of spacing out, erratically checking his phone and muttering something under his breath. *In turn, Eyler told me about Mother, about things he saw that others didn't, about a writer he admired. *Everything was normal. Just like I'd wanted it to be. — 13 — *A: So like, did you two do it already? *anri: Aw, come on! Of course we did! *A: Oh my god, for real? He seems like such a wimp, though. I bet it was the worst! *B: Tbh. You deserve so much better. *A: You aren't lying, right? I can't believe THAT Eyler is capable of anything more than hand-holding. *B: Yeah, like, did he finally man up? *C: If a guy doesn't want you, then there must be something wrong with his dick! *B: looks like you'll have to take action and help him overcome it somehow *B: otherwise ur relationship is doomed, lol *C: right, Anri?! *anri: lol, yeah — 14 — *"This doesn't insult you?" I asked, showing Eyler the group chat. "I lied to them about everything, but...you know." *Charles yawned, shaking his head in disinterest. *"You only get insulted when you view something as insulting, C says," he elaborated. "So no, it doesn't." *"Eh. What the hell, I thought you'd be hurt, or something." *Charles laughed mischievously. *"What, you wanted to console me, miss Warhol?" *I turned away, brows furrowed. *"I got upset, you know. They don't know you at all." *He was taken aback at first, then ruffled my hair with his blistered hand. *"Sorry." *"Know what Stoics says? You're provoked by your own judgement of the situation." *"And, we can't expect people to view us the way we perceive ourselves." *"So don't worry about me." *''Here he goes again, apologizing.'' *I was fairly sure that even if he understood all of this, some part of him must have been affected. *But, his words were somehow reassuring. *Did he feel the same way when he talked to C, I wonder? *Feeling above everything, unaffected by surrounding opinions. *That person really must be someone strong if they were able to influence Charles to this extent. *"If I stay by his side, maybe I'll be saved one day, too," I thought, and that thought alone felt comforting enough to help me get through another day. *Charles turned on a horror movie, and I fell asleep on his shoulder, personal space be damned. *That was the last conversation we had before everything went to shit. *The god of his world was no more. — 15 — *Months later, we moved to another town. *It was never my decision to make. *I left most of my possessions at the old home. *Henry played Pokemon during the entire trip, then vomited onto my shirt, carsick. *I pet his oily hair, letting my nails sink into flakes of chronic seborrhea and dead skin. *I thought of Charles once again. *Without anything solid to ground him, wouldn't he float away? *In the last moments we spent together it had already felt like he wasn't present. *As if the maggots swarming inside of him had already consumed his insides. *''How unfair.'' 5... *anri: hey *anri: how are you, charlie? *C: You should leave him alone, Henrietta Warhol. *anri: eyler i'm being serious *C: So am I. Please stop writing us. *Who's "us"? *anri: why? *C: You're a hindrance. *C: If you continue pestering us, I'll make your personal information public. *C: You have things to hide, don't you? 4... *C: anri, hi *C: I'm sorry for the last time *C: feel free to block me *anri: okay, now you sound like charles *anri: apology accepted *anri: hi *anri: are you okay? *C: more or less *anri: how's mom? *C: like usual. i'm trying to spend more time with her *anri: that's nice *C: how are you holding up? *anri: i'm fine. trying to adjust to a new place *anri: henry's an idiot and blew a whole load of money on online gambling, so dad took away his debit card *anri: serves him right i guess *anri: i'm working as a waitress rn so i have my own income *anri: but i guess most of this money will go to my parents anyway *anri: debts and all *C: Do you have plans for uni or? *anri: i'm taking a year off *anri: can't deal with it right now *anri: and i'm not sure what i want to do *C: haha, yeah. only the job you're crazy about can get you a good income *C: or just luck really *C: higher education won't really promise you a good place in life *anri: nice pasta *anri: did you get into med uni? *C: i'll know in a month. I don't really remember the day of the exam *anri: uh oh *anri: what will you do if you don't pass? *C: kill myself i guess *C: haha no jk *anri: it's not funny *C: I know. I'm being serious *C: I have Mother to take care of, so don't worry. 3... *C: anri, hi! how are you? <3 *anri: heart emojis, gross *anri: eyler is that really you *C: of course it's me *anri: uh ok *anri: i'm fine, just having trouble adjusting to a new place *anri: didn't make any friends yet *anri: i don't want to pretend to be someone else just to fit in, but no one really wants to hang out with me when i'm myself *anri: i feel alone *anri: are you doing okay? *C: im okay! XXXXXX specifically asked not to talk about the remnants, though. 2... *anri: charlie im *anri: i'm scared of you *anri: of what you're becoming *anri: i thought i didn't understand you before *anri: but now I feel like I don't understand you at all *anri: and i'm really not sure what to do *anri: you need to seek help ... 1. *C: shit *C: I'm so sorry *C: if you're reading this, it's me *C: I'm not okay *C: I'm not sure if I'm myself anymore *C: sometimes I just close my eyes and then find myself at an unfamiliar place several hours later *C: I passed the exams, but I'm failing classes. hard. *C: I feel like vomiting just looking at people *C: they don't look human *C: I'm afraid if we meet again you won't look human, too C: so please, don't try to find me *C: Mother is not okay *C: She's not responding anymore *C: everything is distorted *C: and I'm clearly bothering you *C: I *C: I need to put a stop to this *Those were the last messages from Charles. *His phone went dead, and he never replied back. *Trying to cope with this reality, I tried to forget about him. — 16 — *A year later, I found out that Eylers no longer lived at the old address. *Charles Eyler had disappeared without a trace. *I want to think he's okay, but I know better. *Lilith Eyler was buried in a local cemetery. *Looks like Charles took care of her burial before disappearing. *"I won't live longer than Mother would," he once told me, and stayed true to his words. *I like to think that his soul went where she is. *Perhaps he's lying on the bottom of a vast sea, his form flickering, uncertain. *I want to lie down near, and make sure his carcass doesn't float away. *But that's a selfish wish to have. *Instead, I placed a bouquet on their grave and whispered a quiet prayer. Diary — END — Category:Plot Category:Reference Category:Dialogue Category:True Realm